I have made hundreds of poems that were written meticulously on those countless journals I had since I realized how much I want things to stop. I never made it a secret. I never intended my intentions to be hidden. But she will never know. They will never know. Never understand that it has always been there, waving, waiting for them to notice.
I have made tens of stories. Stories that tell how hard it has been since day one.
Those that I must say was a little part of me. But she won’t notice. They won’t notice. Because even though they have been given the chance to read it, they never understood.
I never thought of keeping it a secret. It just remains like this because I guess, I am too different.
This is a bird’s eye view. For some reason, I have been friends with tall people and it frustrate me so I always take a picture on this angle to see what “tall people” might be seeing on their perspective. Lol. It actually felt good looking down on something. It’s just that, it was my foot.
I’m sure no one of you knows what have I been doing ever since. Like yeah I know, I am part of seven billion people in the world and I am just an irrelevant person who happens to talk about her life on a WP blog etc.
But yeah. I have graduated on college since May 2018. I have been depressed and anxious for months because of the pressure that I haven’t gotten a job yet and I need to feed my family because my parents are not working anymore. My life is so dramatic you know. Then, on September 8, 2018, an unexpected encounter made me land on a job as a call center agent at TELUS Araneta and two days after that, I signed a contract.
You see, I thought that I will only stay there for at least three to six months but I was able to stay for more than a year still stuck with this company. I was not planning to let go anymore due to my family’s financial problem, but they did. The company let me go because of a mistake I made. Long story short, I was fired. Today.
When I learned about the mistake I made, when I learned about the gravity of that mistake, I already expected to be fired right away. Maybe I partly hoped for some miracle about the result of our admin hearing but deep inside I know the result already. It hurts. It’s disappointing to lose something that you badly need in this time of the year, in the current situation I am in. But I can’t really say they were wrong because it was me who did that mistake.
It’s depressing.
Whatever. I just really want to share that. And this random photo I took when I was going home today.
It’s hard to write when you can barely see. And even with you knowing that, you were still able to forget your glasses. You know how precious glasses is. Especially for that kind of world your seeing. Annoying? Right. Blurry? I could not agree more.
Has it been a year already? Or nah? When was the last time that I write something here? I already forgot. Maybe if I check my posts later with their time stamp then I will know. But not now.
I am writing here, right now, that after one year. three months and some days i am once again a “jobless person”.
I will write a continuation later. It’s just too difficult to pretend I am seeing something when I really couldn’t/
If we’ll just think of a literal meaning of ‘alone’, this itself would only mean ‘without anyone’ or anything that goes with ‘without’. The absence of ‘everyone’ that makes the ‘me’ remain standing in the dark. Right. It is how society means for being alone.
When my mother first introduced me in school, which means the enrolling season for kindergarten, there are some of the same age of mine with their parents that are playing with others. However, I have none to play with. I don’t know if they already know each other long enough to be familiar and get along. The me back then would just stare for a moment then shrugged it off since it doesn’t matter to me anyway. That’s how it is to me.
So when the first day of school happens, I was looking at my classmates with such curiosity and pity since they are crying on their parent’s legs just to not left behind the four-walled room with one elder we call ‘teacher’. Well, our teacher turned out to have this strict-gaze on her that might be the reason for my classmate’s havoc back then.
I was too keen on watching them pleading and keep asking myself: why are they even afraid of being left behind?
They have someone to get along and play in our class and their parents are sure to fetch them after class. I don’t get it that time.
They are too scared of being alone even though they have someone behind their back to smile with them, I have none. I don’t understand.
As for me, I didn’t cry nor plead for my mother not to let go of my hand that time. I remember, I even pushed her away.
Maybe since then, even when that time or before that, I’m too exposed and too familiar with being left behind and have no one else to rely on that it doesn’t matter anymore.
Maybe we judged her too soon;
as we saw that bruises,
that swollen line on her wrist,
or the bleeding blade on her side.
Maybe.
Maybe we got it all wrong;
her motivation to keep going,
reason we thought was gone,
the will to keep on living everyday.
Maybe.
Maybe it's not to die,
but to continue to live and survive,
and the wounds were her way to save herself,
because she doesn't have anyone except the people who judge.
Maybe.
Nothing beats the achievement of seeing the fruit of your blood, sweat, and brain cells come to life. That was what I felt on the day of our college magazine’s launching – iCommunicate XII: LEAP!
The road for making everything about our launching successful was not as easy as typing on this keyboard of mine. Let us face it. Nothing that we want so much comes easy in our hand no matter how much we yearned for it, you have to push and work hard to achieve it.
LEAP – the theme of our college magazine, iCommunicate’s twelfth volume was a product of exemplary minds and brainstorming of our whole class. Now that I think about it, it was rather an exceptional memory to remember the day we forged the theme for our magazine. We started with the vaguest and unrelated ideas and then we think and think very much because well, what can you do if your Editor-in-Chief is pushing you to your brain’s limit? It was fun.
After more than hour of tweaking in our mind and brainstorming, all the unrelated words, all the divided ideas started to connect. We connect it all and it didn’t even make us sweat.
“Though faced with uncertainties in its bid to go beyond what’s expected, LEAP thrives in the belief that in the end, the destination matters less than the serendipity of finding the simplest of answers in the journey: that of passion put to use. A leap of faith is all it takes to move forward.”
Our theme has described our section, our team in so many ways. Maybe that is one of the reasons why we have all come up with a very beautiful magazine. We go beyond what people have expected to see from us and our product. We break the routine and made our own way of identifying what was ours.
BEHIND THE SCENE
During the creation of our magazine, we were grouped into four, namely: the Editorial team, the Creatives team, the Marketing team, and the Events team. Yours truly was a part of the Editorial team. Everyone was a writer of their own piece.
On the first weeks, all the burden was put on Editorial’s shoulder. “Where is the article for this and that?” “What or who are your subjects?” “Did anyone interview who?” “When was the deadline for the articles?” That was just some of the statements you could’ve heard if you were in our place.
Making our article, our stories is not a difficult task. We are journalism students and we work for words. One thing that made it difficult for us, the Editorial team or you could say, the writers for the magazine was the other deadlines on some of our subjects. Just imagine us struggling to get by on one semester from the thesis, internship, magazine, and academic subjects. We went through hell and to hell we survived.
On the last weeks before the launching, Creative team and the Marketing team were both busy with their task.
The Creative team was responsible for the layout of the magazine. However, not all of the member of the team know how to do a layout.
The creation of the team was based solely on the result of a psychological test. The result must have shown that there are people who are creative in their own way, but that doesn’t help the trouble of lacking the assistance for the layout of the magazine.
That was where the other talent comes in. From some of the team such as in Editorial and Events, a group of people who were known in our whole class as the best in layout was made.
On the other hand, the Marketing team which was responsible for managing the money hit the wall because, well, it is money. But nevertheless, that “ka-ching!” problems didn’t stop us from getting on our goal — the launching day.
Enters the Events team who really looked like in a mess during the day because of some on-the-day planning of some of the programs. They took care of the best from our venue to the programs and sequence and yeah, with the meticulous touch of our EIC, Ate Enki.
THE LAUNCHING
Like I said earlier, nothing really beats the feeling of seeing the fruit of your hard work being a reality. On October 21, iCommunicate magazine’s XII Volume finally took the leap.
The night was touched with classic bringing us into the best time travel of our lives. The cocktail-themed setup of the place made the people more socialize.
The matching of the elegant dress, especially of our hosts which gown was thanks to one of our sponsors and the setting, the boiler room ambiance, will make you feel to dance ballroom– or not.
The glittering eyes of the team who put a lot of their effort to make this event come true are, I think, the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. It was more than satisfaction and self-fulfillment.
Photo Source: Maria Izzabelle Chavez
Photo Source: Maria Izzabelle Chavez
Photo Source: Maria Izzabelle Chavez
We took the leap, how about you? Will you take the leap?
Grab your copy of iCommunicate XII: LEAP on our website!
It is not unusual to hear people talking about suicide or depressions nowadays. Everyone has opened up to this topic as the twentieth century entered. However, those buzzes of reasons and ideas exchanging in the air don’t actually meet through what awareness of this topic really means.
So first let me tell you what depression really feels like.
Depression is when you feel that the world left you out of the dark and everyone besides you just disappear into thin air. It is the feeling of emptiness and losing the grip on life and reality; that hollow place in your heart is deep and wide that it makes you puke out of fright that it might tear you into two–but you know you won’t feel anything because you’re cold and numb of everything.
Depression is that cold and isolating feeling of being outside the circle even though you know someone is there with you, it reeks of dark matters called depression. You know there is nothing to be scared of but you can not help but feel it because it continuously hunts you.
It is the feeling of being oppressed even when no one actually is chaining you down. Your head feels like it is being crushed because of your own distortion of reality. The choking in your neck that binds you to something cold and dead.
It is heartbreaking.
Depression has no definite feeling where you can point out that “Ah, I’m having depression right now.” Most of the time, people who suffer the most in depression doesn’t really know that they have it. It is just like a heart disease which will destroy you slowly and before you know it, your whole life is already a mess.
I don’t know if it is because we are what they called as “Millennials” that we think we know everything that will pass our eyes and ears. We depend on what the results of our searches in Google or Yahoo! and based our opinion, our thought, “so, it must be it.”
What makes it more painful for all the talks about depression and suicide is that they keep showing to others that they understand when they actually don’t. Keep telling the do’s and don’ts when they never actually do it.
You know, the world is already hell to people trapped in their own world of darkness and loneliness. Thinking that you understand it doesn’t actually count of your thoughts. If advice could cure, then there would be no need for psychiatrist and medications.
Before you start typing for what should people do to comfort suicidal/depressed people, you should ask first yourself–have you ever talk to a suicidal/depressed person?
You see, it is not easy to escape depression. It is not easy to escape the temptation of killing yourself to finally escape from pain, from life. Suicide is the easiest way than the prolonged therapy and medication. Do you understand it? For suicidal people, death is a giveaway from a birthday party, a wedding, or a christening ceremony. It is a shortcut to avoid the hellish sweating to finish line.
But most of all, suicidal people would always want to escape their escaping choice. They don’t need comforting words. They need the reality to slap them hard and make them face it otherwise they will just go back to where they used to be.
They want a hand of someone to reach them out because they can’t reach theirs. Someone to hug them tight, cuddle them and let them cry until their tear ducts run out of tears to shed. It doesn’t matter if you are their closest friend or family or relatives or you are a stranger or the worst enemy they ever have.
Make them realize that they deserve the whole world and whatever it has. They would always think that their existence is the worst thing that happened in the world and we don’t want them to believe that.
Don’t be just a “friend” to them. They already have many of that. Be the way you are, they don’t need shallow connections rather a close and unbreakable one. Something that won’t break, something that they won’t lose. They are scared of being left out.
Don’t make them laugh if it is just a shallow and half-assed sound just to proved that you made them feel better once. Make them happy and loved because that is the most thing they always forgot they have.
It is true that it is not easy to deal with depressed and suicidal people but rather than relying on what posts on social media or results on the internet, why not try to talk to a real one and figure it out after you discover what they really feel?
The idea of having a photo studio is just too awesome but frustrating at the same time since I know it will only be a drawing until I save a lot for it. Plus, I don’t have the complete equipment for photography. It’s just me and my DSLR camera.
That is why it was a heaven sent to me when I watched this photography hacks video on youtube (thanks to my friend Jessa, although the reason why she showed that to me was that she wants her to be my model. Yay!) and I thought “Oh my God, this is awesome hacks for a poor girl like me.” LOL.
So there, we tried the neon lights photography experiment but failed although it gave us a much more interesting result. By the way, the model there is my youngest sister, Shane, and my lights crew/ assistant is my sister next to me, Khristine Joy.
For that photography, we used our Christmas lights with three colors – blue, red, and green. Then, we used an umbrella as the reflector of the lights to the model. So yeah, that is all you need to make that shot. Try it guys!
One of the hot topic trends which are being retweeted, shared, pinned, and liked for over a thousand and million times all over the world by most of the people in social media is the awareness of mental health issues.
The rate of awareness of mental health issue became a trend in both the media and the non-media world. Different organizations and campaigns are being raised to support the awareness of mental health issue being taught to the ignorant people. Now, if we look closely to those people behind these organizations, we will find that most of the population dominating it are millennials. This, I think, is where irony came in. Why? Because most of the people who are actually unaware of what ‘awareness in mental health issue’ really means and the people who are most suffering from these are the millennials.
Depression is one of the most observed mental illness since it is a recognized disease for driving people suffering from this to suicide. However, although this is already known and informed by people, it is always misconstrued as it is devastating.
According to the report of Mashable, Millennials displayed depression in higher statistics than any previous generation. One out of five millennial people suffers from depression, which scored at 20%, followed by baby boomers, and generation X, with 16% respectively.
The negligence on how mental illness can affect Millennials in their daily lives can be seen in their workplace.
Millennials being the generation to enter the workplace equipped and highly educated both in theories and technologies, the gap of the in growing job for them makes it impossible not to feel anxious and depressed. Millennials feel that they are over-educated but unemployed, according to Dennis Miller, a strategic leadership coach, and former chief of Somerset Medical Center and Healthcare Foundation, since the job growth does not exist for them.
The depression and anxiety of most of the millennials come from the gap of expectation of the actual job as to how it was taught in school. Although millennials who suffer from mental illness such as depression can still function and perform in their workplace, the ability to make a good quality output becomes difficult.
Most of the campaign for the mental health awareness now looks like a parade, a performance that needs a participation for the sake of what is trending. The true message and intention are not much-paid attention. What important is that it has a great impact in society and you are part of it.
Mental health awareness has a big importance to Millennials being the dominating and growing generation. Being aware of this kind of sensitive issue doesn’t just help us with our personal life and workplace but also on how efficient we can contribute to our society. Acknowledging the issue as it is can be the first step away from being an ignorant. How you will take action after that depends on you.
The last time I rode a boat was when I was three years old. It was the time when my mother took us, me and my sister, to her hometown in Cagayan de Oro. It was a cool experience for me since riding a boat is not something you can always do in the city.
I remember the water from the boat which really was too transparent so the coral reefs below, the fishes, and star fish were so vivid in my naked eyes.
After almost 16 years, thanks to my field of study, I experience riding a boat again.
” I don’t know,” I whispered behind the pillows where I buried my face.
I’m too bored being stuck in my room that has been eating with so much darkness even though the sun scorching hot outside. Why do I know this? Because I can hear people outside my room talking about how hot this day is. But I don’t give a damn. Not even the slightest.
“I really don’t know, Rigg.” I faced him and look straight to his ocean blue eyes. ” D’you think it’s right if I draw one line here?”
He smiled at me as a sign of consent that it’s alright. I smiled then, too, and excitedly pick the cutter on my study table next to my bed and draw a long line on my wrist.
Rigg is right. It’s just fine doing this. It’s calming and my anxieties began to fade away. I felt freedom in life, in the world, in everything.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
I suddenly dropped the cutter beside me as my mother ran in front of me and started panicking as she saw blood dripping from my wrist.
“Why did you do this, Elle?!”
“Because Rigg said it’s fine!”
“Who is Rigg?”
“He’s my friend. There beside you.”
I saw how my mother’s eyes widen and started crying.
What is being alone?
Syngfrea's Journal 